New Baby (Or 'Oh my God what have I done?')

I have never experienced a loss of freedom so complete as this. I guess I'm going through what they call 'baby blues'. I cry for no good reason, like I'm mourning the death of my old lifestyle. I'm tired, really more exhausted even though I think I'm getting enough sleep most of the time. I have, by all accounts, a great baby. She feeds well and often. She doesn't cry unless she is hungry or her diaper is dirty. She sleeps fairly well, 2-3 hours at a time usually. Chad is more or less a great father and supportive and helpful, though I know he resents the loss of freedom just as much as I do. I just feel it's not the same for him because he still can (and does) leave and go do his own thing. When you're committed to breastfeeding, you are tied to that baby. They rely on you to keep them happy, healthy, full, content, basically everything. I end up resenting both of them. Him because he leaves and takes his time coming back, and her because I can't do the same thing.
That sounds harsh. It's not as bad as it sounds though. I love them both. My capacity for love has been such a narrow focus before now. There is nothing I wouldn't do to protect Juliet. If someone held a gun to her head and said it was either her or me, without hesitation, I would take a bullet for her to live. She's so insanely perfect, this little creature Chad and I created. But the emotional highs and lows after birth (emergency C Section after 13 hours of labour) are like a rollercoaster ride I desperately want to jump off of. Give me the slow-moving carousel any day.
The more I read, the more they say the baby blues only lasts a few weeks at most. I'm counting the days. I need this to get easier. I need to heal completely.

Old School, New Fool

I think the only time I ever write here anymore is if someone tells me to update. Baaaaah. Sheep is me.
So here's an update to my wildly exciting life.
Still with the same guy. Yes, it is a record. Yes, I do love him. Crazy.
Due to give birth to our daughter in 5 weeks (feb 13). I still can't seem to believe that even though I feel like a whale and I can't bend over to tie my shoes, or see my own pussy to shave it anymore.
Looking forward to a year off of work, though. Go Team Maternity Leave! If I had've waited til 2010 to get knocked up I could have had two years off instead. I feel gypped.

What's been on my mind (besides a slowly-developing hatred of snow) these days? Do you know what's frustrating? Not being your boyfriend's best anything. Some other girls gave him the best head he's had, the best orgasm he's had, probably the best tit-fucking and anal, too! It's like, well, why the fuck are you with me? Yes, sex between us is great. I get that. Constantly great. Blowjobs... well I'm working on that, you can always work on that no matter how good you think you are. But seriously! This is frustrating! At first, I treated it like a challenge. You know, 'well I'm just going to fuck your brains out until one of these times I'm the best!' but it's been over a year! Now it's just getting me defeated.
Yeah, he loves me. Yeah, we're having a child together. BUT FUCK! I wanna be the best at SOMETHING DAMNIT!
I'm going to take a blowjob class in march if I can pump my boobs and leave Chad some breast milk to feed the baby while I'm gone. I'm fucking determined to be mind-blowingly fantastic at something!
End insecure but entertaining rant.

No I'm not gonna make promises about updating more often. I probably won't have much time once the baby comes. We still need to pick a name for her. I love the name Phaedra (pronounced Fay-dra) and Chad loves the name Mirabel. He doesn't like Phaedra, and I don't like Mirabel. Suggestions people?

-K-

Lying For The Living

how do you feel

when you feel?

how do the words

make it past your lips

when they say nothing?

when does the lie

breed venomous truth?

give sanctuary to it

and it becomes holy

in the sense of loss

in the sense of nothing

in the sense of everything

that shifts with shadow

or transient light

when does the lie

become undebatable truth?

that your mind holds

as something it knows

skewed, but you cling to it

as reason, or a reason

forbears the truth

of what you once knew

So Far To Go

I think this baby is showing me just how impatient I am. Now that Chad and I have decided to keep it, I want it to come out. I don't want to wait. And we still have 7 months to go! That's an eternity!
But everything has been good so far. No morning sickness, just HUGE sore boobs. I'm going to have to buy a new bra, I went up a whole cup size! Also, hungry and peeing ALL the time... but not so bad. I could stand to gain a few pounds to go with my new massive knockers. Apparently, they're going to get bigger even when the milk comes in. I bet I'm going to try drinking the milk. It just seems like something I would do.
MILF.... go figure.

Who Woulda Thunk It

Well. It's finally happened. I'm pregnant. Baby-city, here I come :)

I'm a lot shorter than her, but my mouth is bigger

So, the results of the Upper GI came back. Apparently, I have esophageal acid reflux and... a peptic ulcer. Who the fuck has an ulcer at 25? Now, if that's the whole of it, I don't know, but I'll be making an appointment with my gastro specialist and questioning him on just why the fuck it took so long to diagnose something so damn fucking simple as an ulcer. Nooooo, he had to try me on god knows what kind of medications to fry my insides worse than they already are, first. "Let's do some real damage, and then fix it!" were probably his exact, gleeful thoughts.
So, it's at least a start, a compass pointing in the right direction of how to mend so I can pump my insides full of junk food again! Sweet, sweet sugar how I've missed you and lost weight because of it!
In other news, I'm a little worried that Chad and I won't be able to afford the trip to Toronto this summer. But, here's hoping.
Oh, I bought a new car. Well, it's not new, but it's new to me. And it's a convertible! Now where the heck did the sun go? Oh, that's right! I bought a convertible. Now the sun hides to spite my impulsive purchase. Stupid sun. Stupid rain. Stupid stupid.
Yes, I'm still with the same guy. That probably comes as a shock to a lot (read:all) of you. We have our issues (lots and lots of them) but so far, nothing that we can't talk through. Maybe now, though, when we 'disagree' I can be like 'Honey, remember my ulcer' and he'll have to cave for fear of aggravating it! Muahahahaha! See how I make the most of these things?
No bike yet. Bike-hunt 2008 continues.
That is all.