The Whole Truth

New Baby (Or 'Oh my God what have I done?')

2009-02-22T15:27:00.000-08:00

I have never experienced a loss of freedom so complete as this. I guess I'm going through what they call 'baby blues'. I cry for no good reason, like I'm mourning the death of my old lifestyle. I'm tired, really more exhausted even though I think I'm getting enough sleep most of the time. I have, by all accounts, a great baby. She feeds well and often. She doesn't cry unless she is hungry or her diaper is dirty. She sleeps fairly well, 2-3 hours at a time usually. Chad is more or less a great father and supportive and helpful, though I know he resents the loss of freedom just as much as I do. I just feel it's not the same for him because he still can (and does) leave and go do his own thing. When you're committed to breastfeeding, you are tied to that baby. They rely on you to keep them happy, healthy, full, content, basically everything. I end up resenting both of them. Him because he leaves and takes his time coming back, and her because I can't do the same thing.
That sounds harsh. It's not as bad as it sounds though. I love them both. My capacity for love has been such a narrow focus before now. There is nothing I wouldn't do to protect Juliet. If someone held a gun to her head and said it was either her or me, without hesitation, I would take a bullet for her to live. She's so insanely perfect, this little creature Chad and I created. But the emotional highs and lows after birth (emergency C Section after 13 hours of labour) are like a rollercoaster ride I desperately want to jump off of. Give me the slow-moving carousel any day.
The more I read, the more they say the baby blues only lasts a few weeks at most. I'm counting the days. I need this to get easier. I need to heal completely.

Old School, New Fool

2009-01-04T16:12:00.000-08:00

I think the only time I ever write here anymore is if someone tells me to update. Baaaaah. Sheep is me.
So here's an update to my wildly exciting life.
Still with the same guy. Yes, it is a record. Yes, I do love him. Crazy.
Due to give birth to our daughter in 5 weeks (feb 13). I still can't seem to believe that even though I feel like a whale and I can't bend over to tie my shoes, or see my own pussy to shave it anymore.
Looking forward to a year off of work, though. Go Team Maternity Leave! If I had've waited til 2010 to get knocked up I could have had two years off instead. I feel gypped.

What's been on my mind (besides a slowly-developing hatred of snow) these days? Do you know what's frustrating? Not being your boyfriend's best anything. Some other girls gave him the best head he's had, the best orgasm he's had, probably the best tit-fucking and anal, too! It's like, well, why the fuck are you with me? Yes, sex between us is great. I get that. Constantly great. Blowjobs... well I'm working on that, you can always work on that no matter how good you think you are. But seriously! This is frustrating! At first, I treated it like a challenge. You know, 'well I'm just going to fuck your brains out until one of these times I'm the best!' but it's been over a year! Now it's just getting me defeated.
Yeah, he loves me. Yeah, we're having a child together. BUT FUCK! I wanna be the best at SOMETHING DAMNIT!
I'm going to take a blowjob class in march if I can pump my boobs and leave Chad some breast milk to feed the baby while I'm gone. I'm fucking determined to be mind-blowingly fantastic at something!
End insecure but entertaining rant.

No I'm not gonna make promises about updating more often. I probably won't have much time once the baby comes. We still need to pick a name for her. I love the name Phaedra (pronounced Fay-dra) and Chad loves the name Mirabel. He doesn't like Phaedra, and I don't like Mirabel. Suggestions people?

-K-

Lying For The Living

2008-07-03T20:29:00.000-07:00

how do you feel

when you feel?

how do the words

make it past your lips

when they say nothing?

when does the lie

breed venomous truth?

give sanctuary to it

and it becomes holy

in the sense of loss

in the sense of nothing

in the sense of everything

that shifts with shadow

or transient light

when does the lie

become undebatable truth?

that your mind holds

as something it knows

skewed, but you cling to it

as reason, or a reason

forbears the truth

of what you once knew

So Far To Go

2008-06-16T17:41:00.000-07:00

I think this baby is showing me just how impatient I am. Now that Chad and I have decided to keep it, I want it to come out. I don't want to wait. And we still have 7 months to go! That's an eternity!
But everything has been good so far. No morning sickness, just HUGE sore boobs. I'm going to have to buy a new bra, I went up a whole cup size! Also, hungry and peeing ALL the time... but not so bad. I could stand to gain a few pounds to go with my new massive knockers. Apparently, they're going to get bigger even when the milk comes in. I bet I'm going to try drinking the milk. It just seems like something I would do.
MILF.... go figure.

Who Woulda Thunk It

2008-06-09T20:57:00.001-07:00

Well. It's finally happened. I'm pregnant. Baby-city, here I come :)

I'm a lot shorter than her, but my mouth is bigger

2008-06-05T00:23:00.000-07:00

So, the results of the Upper GI came back. Apparently, I have esophageal acid reflux and... a peptic ulcer. Who the fuck has an ulcer at 25? Now, if that's the whole of it, I don't know, but I'll be making an appointment with my gastro specialist and questioning him on just why the fuck it took so long to diagnose something so damn fucking simple as an ulcer. Nooooo, he had to try me on god knows what kind of medications to fry my insides worse than they already are, first. "Let's do some real damage, and then fix it!" were probably his exact, gleeful thoughts.
So, it's at least a start, a compass pointing in the right direction of how to mend so I can pump my insides full of junk food again! Sweet, sweet sugar how I've missed you and lost weight because of it!
In other news, I'm a little worried that Chad and I won't be able to afford the trip to Toronto this summer. But, here's hoping.
Oh, I bought a new car. Well, it's not new, but it's new to me. And it's a convertible! Now where the heck did the sun go? Oh, that's right! I bought a convertible. Now the sun hides to spite my impulsive purchase. Stupid sun. Stupid rain. Stupid stupid.
Yes, I'm still with the same guy. That probably comes as a shock to a lot (read:all) of you. We have our issues (lots and lots of them) but so far, nothing that we can't talk through. Maybe now, though, when we 'disagree' I can be like 'Honey, remember my ulcer' and he'll have to cave for fear of aggravating it! Muahahahaha! See how I make the most of these things?
No bike yet. Bike-hunt 2008 continues.
That is all.

Update Yours

2008-05-16T10:25:00.000-07:00

Sue me. I've been out having a life as opposed to writing about having one.
Let's see... February was the last post? Still having stomach issues, though I've started taking this supplement called Acacia powder and it seems to be helping the major issues. That, and my diet is filled with healthy shit. I would kill for a handful of Swedish berries... I would also suffer from a handful of Swedish berries. I went for an Upper GI last week. I spent the week before it hearing from every single person with a dumb ass opinion about how barium is the most disgusting thing I'll ever taste... fuck, I've tasted worse cum than that stuff, guys whose diet should consist only of pineapple and nothing else. The only thing that made me gag was when they made me take those little fizzy rocks (very similar to pop rocks) with a glassful of the chalky crap. But I got through it all right. Three hours, but I brought a book. Smart of me. I guess we'll see when the test results come back negative. They always come back negative. I've got a colonoscopy scheduled for the end of august but I'll be in Ontario for a wedding so hopefully they reschedule.
No motorcycle as of yet. Anyone want to lend me $5k? It's been pretty fucking terrible without one. I've taken to riding a bicycle. It recaptures some of the spirit of being on a motorcycle. But ultimately it leaves me wanting more, wishing more, torturing myself more. I need a surefire way of making $5k ASAP... that doesn't include getting naked and dancing in front of a roomful of strange strangers (or not so strangers).
Haven't you heard? Someones making an honest woman of me. Not in the sense of 'we're getting married' but in the sense of... I'm still with him. Heartbreaker no more, is me. Love is possible, even in this day and this age. We have our differences, definitely. He's interested in couple-swapping and being open sexually. I'm interested in being open sexually but I have my limits. He's very spiritual and I'm learning, but my ideas seem to take me in different ways. I don't credit a lot of what he believes, I'm too practical. But, we balance each other very, very well. We've got communication down to perfection, and the sex... well, the sex is better than I've ever had. I can't recall anyone else making me cum so consistently. Anyway, I'm in love, blah, blah, blah. We've moved in together and are both reaping the benefits of my rock 101 stunt. That 58" TV looks so damn good in the living room. Thanks to everyone who voted, by the way. Who knew baring my tits would get such a huge reaction... oh, right, I knew!
Still working, though I don't stab people with needles anymore. I give out the results, now. It lets me rest my lazy ass all day and play online. Good times. Not to mention my commute to and from work these days takes about 5 minutes. It's great when gas prices threaten to rape your ass without the lube. I still think I need a new job that's more creative and pays better, but then, I'm sure everyone thinks that. The question of motivation is usually the dealbreaker, isn't it?
There is your update, Anonymous.

Not A Good Day

2008-02-09T17:05:00.000-08:00

So, it's been awhile and I won't bore others and myself by going through every single detail. I'm happy with the guy I'm with (for once) and we've been going strong since the end of october, though we met in august. Yeah, you remember, the one I wasn't sure about who wasn't sure about me? I don't think he's sure yet, but I know it won't be long. Just wait, when he can afford a ring, it's all mine ;) I've picked our childrens' names. Does that sound overboard and overkill? Sure, but blow me. I can do what I want. Delilah for the girl and... actually, I don't have the boy name yet. Suggestions? I think the only thing we disagree on is his flirting with other girls. We argue about it a fair bit, but I'm hoping we'll have a breakthrough one of these days.

I've been sick lately. It's an ongoing thing. Some days are better, some are worse. But it's been going on for around 3-4 months now. I've seen specialists and been on a ton of meds that don't seem to be working. But the boyfriend has been pretty amazing throughout all of this. He's kind of like my rock, if I needed a rock. I suppose sometimes I do. I'm not Wonderwoman (though I would look hot in the costume). Anyway, it's something to do with my stomach. I get bloated and achy and nauseated and I've lost weight (91.5lbs, not good), my anxiety attacks flare up occasionally and that can't be healthy for my heart. So if you have a really smart Dr relative, send the quack my way!

What Matters To Me

2008-01-08T23:10:00.000-08:00

In the grand scheme of things, what matters to me?

Love.
Honesty.
Family.
Health.
Life.
Laughter.
Freedom.

Not necessarily in that order. I don’t know if I would be able to choose one at the expense of another. I don’t think I should have to, but so often we do. It seems like, in the world at large, we practise a trade of one for the other. If you want love, you sacrifice honesty. If you desire health and life, your freedom is exchanged. What makes it possible to have the best of all worlds? Is it even possible?
Love drives me. A love for myself, a love for this world and my existence in our reality, and love for my family and friends. It’s a force to be reckoned with, sometimes too powerful for my own good. It seems like I sacrifice my health for love, or for the all-consuming emotions it brings out in me. It occurs to me that I need to learn to tone down the emotional rollercoaster that frequently takes over my overactive thought process. The stress that it sometimes causes me (caring too much) is likely the catalyst to certain stomach problems I’ve been having, and the anxiety attacks that come on far more often than they ever did. Or, perhaps the anxiety is caused by the fear of being afraid, or of becoming ill and not being able to enjoy life, which, obviously, takes the enjoyment out of life in and of itself. My goal is to find a way to erase this stress from my life. The plan is to start from the grass roots, and work upwards.
I will seek advice from a psychiatrist. But I will avoid medication. My mind is strong enough to control itself, this I firmly believe. Maybe it lacks only the guidance to achievement.
I will start to practise yoga, and other stress-relieving activities to help centre my body as well as my brain.
I will adjust my diet to reflect my intentions to maintain a healthy body.
If something in my life causes me stress or anger or anything that unsettles my soul, I will not overreact. I will examine the root of the problem and discern whether it is truly something that merits my concern. If it does not, I will dismiss it. If it does, I will calmly discuss, solve, or deal with the problem. I will not worry about problems that have not arisen.
I will work on my beliefs. I will strengthen them, add to them, forget others, and build a stronger foundation for my mind.
I will allow this world, its inhabitants and experiences to expand my horizons in only positive ways. If something seems negative, I will examine it on a deeper level to find some way to make it fulfilling.
I will do my very best, which I understand is amazing and limitless, to avoid sacrificing what matters most to me.

You Are Mine

2007-11-13T12:18:00.000-08:00

I like Mute Math. Good band. Enough about them, though, because this blog is about me and I'm way cooler.
I am officially only dating Guy #1 now and I'm pretty happy about it. We've split three times now but every single time something drew us back together. It might be the phenomenal sex, but it also might be something more so I'm willing to stick it out and see. He's met my family, which is a huge step in my books. I've only ever introduced three guys to my family, and there's a good chance that he'll be here for Christmas (his family is all back East) and will be spending it with me. How wonderfully domesticated is that! Plus, we're going to Whistler in December (although I'm wary about meeting his friends who are flying out to spend the time with us... apparently, they're swingers and I'm not about that anymore), and then Hawaii in January!
In other news, I'm taking a hip hop class every sunday and loving it. There's a performance at the end of the workshop, who wants to come and see me TEAR IT UP!!!?

In other news, I sold my motorcycle. But I will be buying a brand new bike come spring/summer, so I'm not too worried about it. Hey, at least I didn't crash this one!

Uuuuh Guy #3

2007-10-21T21:56:00.001-07:00

I'm bad ;)

Picture This

2007-10-18T22:46:00.000-07:00

Guy #1 - Always All Ways

Chad. He is wild, he is unpredictable. He sends sparks shooting through every nerve ending I possess. He is a dynamic force in this world and he makes me really think. Maybe too much. He is strong, and he is completely independant. His views are unlike any I have ever known to be true. I don't necessarily agree with them. But there is an undeniable attraction, some sort of pull, a connection that we share. Chad, however, sees me as trying to possess him, he doesn't think that I'm the one he'll fall in love with, we've broken up on three separate occasions. And every single time he wants me again. And it's not just physical. If it was physical, we would have no problem walking away from it. But for some reason, neither of us can let go.

Guy #2 - Make A Move

Roy. He is safe. He is kind. He is sensitive without being a pussy. He really likes me and he shows it. There is a quiet attraction there, I'm not entirely passing time. Something could develop. He has a good job, and a nice car and he shares my passion for riding motorcycles. I can picture a predictable future with him in which I would be comfortable. But at the same time, I want so much more than just that.

It will come to a head this monday. Monday is for decision making and new starts.

I Am A Conundrum

2007-10-01T23:11:00.000-07:00

A puzzle because I care but I don't. Because I believe in a sense of justice and propriety that don't apply to me necessarily at all times. Because I could think, am capable of intelligence and unique thought but so very often choose not to exercise that ability. I wonder, what would happen if I did? What could I accomplish if I chose to express myself along the harder path? Because it's too easy just to not. The life I live is full of not doing, not being, not thinking. I have all the tools to develop my brain, to make a useful contribution, to make an impression but here I sit in a state of lazy self-indulgence.
This guy I've been seeing, for better or for worse, he's jolted me out of my comfortable coasting and in to an actual train of thought. I don't necessarily agree with his ambitions, but I admire them. I can't say I believe in his beliefs, but I think it's amazing that he has such strong ones. And he challenges me to become more verbal in our conversations (though we don't have easy, flowing banter as I would like), to become more useful and to actually think. I wrote a poem in a different style as a challenge from him and I could literally feel my brain working harder than it had in a very long time.
I don't know that I could be a physicist but I know that I could be more than I am now, cruising along without doing any real thinking. I'm not a philosopher like he is, but I can hold my own in discussion and debate, I'm just rusty at it.
So, here's to trying harder. If nothing works out between he and I (and I have my doubts, as always) at least there's this and I can look back and remember this.

I'm out on a limb in the middle of your crazy tree

2007-09-26T22:57:00.000-07:00

So I invited the new guy who I thought had serious commitment issues (previous fight) to the family thanksgiving dinners... and he agreed. What? What did I miss here? Maybe it's just the lure of massive amounts of food. Probably.
Went and saw the Canucks lose tonight, but at least it was a good game.
Went monday and saw Smashing Pumpkins rock the Pacific Coliseum. Great fuckin' show. Didn't know a guy died til the next day, didn't see it happen. Wasn't even that violent of a mosh pit. I think the worst pit I've ever seen was at a Dropkick Murphy's show and no one died there.

Rain, Rain, Go The Fuck Away

2007-09-16T15:10:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna go stir-crazy. I hate ugly weather. I want to scream because it keeps me indoors and no one wants to do anything fun. Not that there's anything fun to do in weather like this. Maybe I'll go to the pool. Maybe I'll invite the guy I'm seeing (who revealed to me last night that he's not seeing or sleeping with anyone else- not that I believe that anymore). Maybe I just did, so maybe I'm going to leave. HAH! Take that, ugly weather!

You Can't Handle This

2007-09-13T22:33:00.000-07:00

I have a new motto courtesy of a new guy. Yes, they really do get changed faster than underwear. Of course, now you know how frequently I change my underwear...
"I want you, but I don't need you."
Life goes on. Men come and go. No, friends aren't forever. But men come and go and life does go on, and at points it's great without them. So, sure, it's nice to get boned every once in awhile, watch a romantic sunset on a nude beach the day before your grandfather's funeral, have some amazing doggie style, but I don't *need* it and I think I've more than proved that to myself. You want to be in my life, new boy? Great! But you won't be my life and if you do something stupid, I will have no trouble walking away and not making a big deal of it.

That aside, yes my grandpa passed away, yes I grieved, yes I miss him like crazy. Again, I know it's a part of life and I know there's nothing (yet) that I can do to change that.

Of course, this could all just be a phase I'm going through and I might self-destruct at a later time. I reserve the right.

Oh, I got my hair cut. I have bangs. They look awesome. I'm awesome. Yeah, it's true.

Women I'd Fuck

2007-08-23T19:24:00.000-07:00

Okay up until today, there was only ever one woman I'd jump in to bed with and go absolutely crazy on. That woman was Angelina Jolie. Fuck, she's hot. It's definitely a form of envy. But today, step over Angelina, hello Gwen Stefani! I just saw that video for 4 In The Morning... I am speechless. That's why I'm typing. For god's sake, it's not right that anyone should be that insanely gorgeous. I would go to town on her. Like WOAH. Maybe I should dye my hair blonde...

I Am The Idiot Again

2007-08-21T00:08:00.000-07:00

"If you were lying and you told me, don't you think I'd be more forgiving?"
"I'm not lying."
Her vacant stare, phone pressed hard against the shell of her ear, gazed over at the television screen, the same scene on pause for the last twenty minutes. 'When did life get this hard?' If you could call it thought process, this was what ran unendingly through her grief-softened mind.
"Are you sure?"
Silence.
"Not flirting with any other girls? Didn't sleep with your ex-girlfriend the thursday before we went camping?" Thought process that should have been verbalized, 'The weekend that I slept with you because I thought I could trust you by now. Did you realize that the girl you were responding to on that dating site was me? That I know, even though I'm sure I knew before, that you've lied, are lying, will lie?'
"No."
"Okay. I just feel that you are, and I shouldn't feel that way after so much time spent together. But I do. So... fuck this is hard." At least that was true. "If there's anything you want to say, I guess now would be the time to say it."
His pause, painfully short, and then, "Nothing. I don't know what to say."
"Okay, well, I guess maybe we can be friends, go riding sometime," The words sounded painful, even to her, when she knew they were coming from her own mouth.
He didn't say a word to that. She couldn't begin to guess, didn't even try to think about what would be running through his mind at this sudden turn of events. Shell shocked, these things happen so quickly. Strong as steel one minute, over the next.
"Well, goodnight," She didn't want to end the conversation this way, wanted a full confession, wanted begging, pleading, empty promises, vindication of any sort, but a mumbled 'goodnight' was all she could manage before her fingers fumbled for the 'end call' and the phone slipped from her now-trembling grasp.
The tears that hadn't come in so long came now. They didn't feel good, not like the cleansing people describe, the feeling she'd imagined she would have when they came again. The twisting in her stomach, the aching of her chest, the hopeless despair that clawed somewhere between her throat and her mind, those she remembered, and they came faithfully.
With tears still falling, she made the slow, defeated walk to her laptop, logged on to the dating site dismally. A short note, nothing bitter, nothing harsh, still attracted no matter the situation, still not willing to close off an avenue, to burn any bridge completely, letting him know in no uncertain terms not to bother calling her again, that he was caught in his lie and that was that. Sent, profile deleted, as good an end as any.
What happens next? He'll be relieved. He'll take her advice and he won't call. He'll move on quickly and forget. Hell, the moment his head touches the pillow tonight, her face will be faded already.
She'll wait at the end of all of the bridges she should have sent up in smoke.
And she'll hope.

I Walk The Line

2007-08-19T22:35:00.000-07:00

My life is my very own movie-drama, and I am the star, whether I want to be or not.
So, I made it to Day 308. Awhile ago, I started seeing this guy. He seemed really nice, but given my history I wasn't about to just jump right in to bed with him seeing as how I want a real relationship. So I played the waiting game. We dated, actually dated, made out, the good old fashioned stuff, in the time we dated there was only three days we didn't see each other. He was smitten, I was smitten, it seemed to be going along well.
So, this past weekend, we went camping. It seemed like the right time to take the relationship to the next level. Sex. Yes, I know I said a year, but really the madness behind that was just because I wanted to be sure I was in a relationship with someone who cared and wouldn't screw me over. I thought I had found it.
So, we camped, it was a great weekend, we had sex etc. Came home, posted the pictures of the trip on facebook (fuckin' facebook) and about ten minutes later, I get this message from his ex girlfriend using his account telling me they're still sleeping together, he lies, he's a pig, etc etc. Now, normally, I would put this down to her being bitter and trying to break us up because she's not over him, which is true by all accounts except hers. But the thing that gets me is she says they last slept together on thursday before he and I went camping, and that is actually one of the only days where I didn't see him. So, I called his phone to let him know about it, he doesn't answer, but then he was going to head straight to bed because he was so tired. So I figure, what the hell, Ill just go over there. This is not something I want to deal with over the phone. So I do. Get there, he's downstairs smoking pot with a buddy who just stopped by (normal) didn't have his phone on him. Okay. I take him upstairs to his computer, show him the messages, was like 'I'm not accusing you, but...?' He denies it. Swears up and down it's not true, she's crazy, and she's not over him, trying to break us up, he'll talk to her. I look at him for telltale signs of a lie, see none, and basically say 'all right, deal with it. I don't want to have to hear shit like this from your ex, it really upsets me. but if it happens again, then that's it'. And now I'm going to proceed with a little more caution.
Some people think I'm crazy.
Do you?

Let me just write for the sake of writing

2007-07-22T21:41:00.000-07:00

Went to a bachelorette party last night. Wasn't a whole lot of fun. So tired now. Went to a birthday party today. Was all right. Too much food. Gave me gas. Burped a lot. I can belch like nobody's business. I could have a career calling ships at sea with my belching if I ever fall on hard times.
I never should have had that cappuccino. Coffee is disgusting. How do people drink that shit? It tastes like nailpolish remover. Like if I poured a cup of nailpolish remover and mixed it with ten teaspoons of sugar, it would taste exactly like the cappuccino I just drank. And it would probably make me feel less like shooting myself in the head so that I could sleep.
Anyone read that book 'He's Just Not That In To You'? I need an analysis. Or let me borrow the book so I'll be able to recognize the signs on my own. Why is it that I think every guy should have the hots for me and want me all the time, and still have low self-esteem? Maybe this is fate's way of knocking me down until I finally learn that not every guy wants me?
Probably. I may never learn.

Day 336

2007-07-20T19:02:00.000-07:00

Can you believe I've made it this far? Well, believe it. And not only that, but it's also possible that I'm entering in to a real relationship with a decent guy. Don't quote me on it, you never know how these things will turn out, but it's becoming possible that my mother was right all along.
Go figure.

You still speak of day-old hate

2007-06-29T13:18:00.000-07:00

I really must have made the ex angry because he's sworn never to come on rides with me again. I'm so tempted to drive the nail in to that coffin by making a comment on his balding head and receding hairline. It's great when you know exactly what will make someone seethe with anger. Fine line between love and hate, very fine line. I'm sick of walking it.

So, I've started this whole celibacy thing. One year. Today is day 357. Not bad, so far. Of course, I've started dating someone new, actually dating. He seems sweet and he's absolutely gorgeous which doesn't help my celibacy cause. But, so far, so good. He's going to be introducing me to his friends at some get-together tonight. The big leagues, I've been told, is when you meet the friends. I'm not worried. Everybody loves me. And if they don't, well, they're stupid and don't matter anyway.

Finally, a picture of my new bike, and me on it!

This Thing

2007-06-21T00:04:00.000-07:00

So, I now have a roommate. She's cool, so far it's all good. It's weird, having lived on my own for so long, but I'll get used to it, and I'll definitely enjoy having the extra cash.
Also, as of this monday, my car will be gone, thus saving me more payments, and enabling me to pay bills/save money/blow money on shit I don't need.
Okay, so let's go through the man-rundown:
Marty- Written off
Mike- Written off
Adam- Written off
And all in the span of less than three weeks. Men can be so disappointing.
I rode up to Whistler and back today. That was a big waste of time. The Sea To Sky is all under construction and guess who got a $250 speeding ticket.... yeah, me. And I was only doing 90km... in a 60km construction zone. Fuck me. I'm gonna dispute it, of course. Heaven forbid I let the chance to fuck over the system that fucks me over pass by quietly.
I've got a week of vacation coming up. I want to go to Vegas but I know I won't. Too much going on.

Another Disappointment, Another Letdown

2007-06-09T19:35:00.001-07:00

I've been expecting and expecting and I need to stop. Whoever said 'don't expect the world because the world will let you down again and again' was fucking brilliant. Come to think of it, I think I said that.
I went out partying the other night. The theme was GI Joe's and Barbie Ho's. I couldn't be a GI Ho so I chose Barbie instead.

Thus, the transformation. I need a boob job.

There's Nothing In The World That Can Change My Mind

2007-05-27T20:40:00.000-07:00

New bike=sore back, sore fingers, sore ass
I've got to replace the plank of a seat, the stock levers and I think I should get a kidney belt and see if that helps my back until the physio starts to work.
I also have to get new tires.
I'm starting to think I should moonlight as a high-priced escort or exotic dancer just to pay for my bike habit.
Mike... hmm... so, I wrote him off, wrote him back in, and then wrote him off again in the span of 48 hours. The best that can be said is that guys do exactly what I expect them to. The joy of lowered expectations.
I feel like I need an overdose of sugar. Or alcohol. Or something mind-numbing. I figured blogging would do the trick but it's not.

Going for the sugar before I lose my mind.

Let The Good Times Roll!

2007-05-22T15:50:00.000-07:00

Yeah, it's been awhile. It's one of those facts of life that you can just suck my left tit about, isn't it?

I crashed another bike. I'm picking up my new one this saturday. No, I haven't learned my lesson. Or if I have, I choose to ignore it and blindly pursue something that makes me happy... oh, how like life so far! I live in my ID.
I've decided that morals and restrictions are for people who think that life is long.
Nothing I do will be remembered (likely) 100 years from now, so what does it matter?
Now, this doesn't mean I have a death wish (although I'm sure some will argue the fact) just that I'm going to stop holding back on things I want to do because a)they're dangerous or b)they're considered taboo, mean, rude etc etc etc
I've come to realize how short life is, or at least, the parts where you can really live.
I think I've become dangerous. And I kinda like it.

Long Live The Bad Girl

Fucking Dishes

2007-05-06T13:24:00.000-07:00

No, not dishes that actually fuck, although that would be great. If they could invent dishes that would fuck you and do themselves at the same time, this world would be a much cleaner place... or at least, my house would be. Not to mention I would be a lot more passive these days. And when I say these days I mean at least a week. Probably more... no, probably not. At least a week.

I went on a ride to the Sunshine Coast yesterday, good times, nice twisties.

Mike? Mike who? Yeah, that little infatuation died a quick, submissive death. He's a jerk like the rest of them. Probably.

Anyway, I'm hot. You're not. And your boyfriend wishes you were hot like me.

If It Makes You Happy

2007-04-30T23:30:00.000-07:00

So I like this guy, we'll call him Mike, because that's his name. No, for those of you who remember my old friend Mike who isn't my friend anymore, it's not that one.
I don't even know why I like this one. Could be his insane ability to wheelie his custom-painted bike like a God on two wheels... but as so often happens, he shows interest for a bit and then just flat-out nothing. WTF? I think I must be not nearly as entertaining as I used to be.
Anyway, I'm looking for an evening job. Anyone got a lead on a job I can do to make extra cash from 6-12ish? Something that doesn't involve getting naked?
Went riding again today. What else is new...

For fuck's sake!

2007-04-27T11:19:00.000-07:00

Not only am I sick with some horrible form of strep (this is what I get for having sex with male models) but I had to spend a good 20-30 minutes trying to log in to this damn blog to tell you all about it, and now I'm too tired and too sick and my head feels like it's about to spin off in to orbit and then explode.

Anyone good with a camera?

2007-04-20T21:11:00.000-07:00

I really want to get some shots of me on my bike sweeping the corners along the MotoGP section of hwy 1 (ie. just between porteau cove and the ferries, or around that area). Any volunteers who know how to catch action shots, as I'll be doing 125km+. If anyone wants to, I'm more than willing to pay in beer etc for your time.

I was in the zone tonight, I'm really getting better with my corner work on the bike. I've learned a new technique for sharp cornering downhill, as well. The guy who showed me called it something but I can't remember now. It consists of mainly using your front brake when you dive in, using the weight of the front to turn you sharply blah blah blah. Works pretty decently.

Anyway, I blocked the ex boyfriend's ex girlfriend so that's the end of that. Some people's fucked up children... geez.

Marty's gonna come over tonight after work. I think we're gonna knock boots. I better go shower and be all presentable, huh. And why is it that I feel the need to do that? Why should I care if I stink during sex? You're getting laid, you should be counting your fucking blessings. What's a little sweaty smell compared to that? Besides, I smell like outdoors and bikes! What on earth could possibly be sexier than that! NOTHING, that's what! Suck it up you men-whores!

Right now he's probably buyin' her some fruity little drink cuz she can't shoot the whisky

2007-04-16T17:49:00.000-07:00

I hate country music but damned if I don't like a good 'Bastard done me wrong' set of lyrics.

What's been up lately in my life? Uh. Nothing.

I've been riding a lot. Oh, wait, I did get a nice little love note from my first boyfriend's ex girlfriend.

"Bryan has used, cheated, and insulted you. Stop being so desparate and pathetic- forget him. you've served your pupose in being a huge skank, move on. you have a lot of uglyness to go around, I'm sure you'll find another desparate guy to skank around on. I mean god! he cheated on you with pathetic breanne! sick! you werent even enough in his most deaparate time.

What goes around comes around and you got it ten fold!
Have a nice diseased life!
(what is up with your weird mouth?!, stop taking pictures, so gross)"

Oh, I guess now that I asked him how he was, we must be sleeping together again. Yeah, that's how that goes, doesn't it?

I'd like to think I responded with some class:

woah drama! before bryan and i were dating, we were friends. i am not looking to get back together with him, though i don't think i need to explain myself to you, either. chill out, try not to be so negative.

Although what I really wanted to say was:

funnily enough, the reason bryan started dating you was because you looked exactly like me.
p.s. learn how to spell

But I didn't. I should have. Maybe I will later.

It's A Poem

2007-04-03T21:17:00.000-07:00

Our lives touched so briefly
But will we meet again
You, my crimson hair'd Scot?
If we two should chance upon
One another in crowded streets
Will you steal my breath away?
Shall I dare a dream
Your soft, sweet caress upon my hair
Tangled and weaving tenderly?
Will troubles past be past
Fading as some long-forgotten notion
Of what is broken and unmendable?
In the glory of your gaze
The yearning truth of where feelings lay
Shall I discover hope anew?

Oh That's Mature

2007-04-01T18:09:00.000-07:00

Men are dumb fucks.
I'm gonna go have a hot tub party.
And then I'm going to fuck my evil ex boyfriend.
And then I'm going to blame it on the recent ex boyfriend who probably wasn't even a boyfriend to begin with. Fuck men.

Oh my dreams, it's never quite as it seems

2007-03-21T20:05:00.000-07:00

Shit happens.
Shit stinks.
Shit hits the fan.
Shit bricks.
Shitty.
Shit for brains.

I had fun with photoshop tonight. I'm starting counselling on saturday. I have "trust" issues. Or just a really bad taste in men.

The Original

Monet

You Make Me Sick!

2007-02-22T13:17:00.000-08:00

Fun with photoshop.
I'm sick, and bored, in that order.
But I have a theory!
Okay, so, everyone knows that your body makes antibodies to fight off all the bad germs (antigens) that can flood your system and make you sick, right? Feeling sick is a warning to let you know that, in fact, something *is* wrong with your body, and you should take the proper steps and precautions to help your body build the antibodies it needs to fight off whatever bug is invading.
So, here's my theory. What if, instinctively, your body knows that a guy (antigen) is going to screw you over when you start dating him, and so it makes you sick hoping that the warning (antibody) will keep you away from the infective source?

Example #1 - Bryan. When I first started dating Bryan, I was sick *all* the time! I couldn't see him so many times because I felt like shit for a lot of the time. Effectively, my body was keeping me home. Bryan, if you will recall, ended up cheating on me for seven months.

Example #2 - Matt. HELLO! I was (mis)diagnosed with genital herpes! Again, you may recall it turned out to be genital strep, but I'd say that was a fairly large warning sign. And what happened? The long and short of it, he broke my heart and I'm *still* not over him.

Example #3 - This is more of a counter-example. Marty. I was never sick the entire time. And I broke up with him twice, because it just didn't seem like it would work. But we're still friends and the break-ups were entirely amicable and I don't think he was cheating etc. (of course there's no way to prove it, so I submit this as circumstantial evidence)

Example #4 - Jeff. This is the guy that I just started seeing. He *seems* great. He's cute, he's sweet, he's attentive, he always wants to see me etc etc. BUT I'm sick. Is this my body's way of telling me that he's just like the first two? Time will tell.

But there's my theory. Yes, it's farfetched, but so was the Theory of Relativity.

Cuz You Ain't Never Seen A Fire Like The One I'ma Cause!

2007-02-14T20:30:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I've actually giggled. Yes, there's a new guy, yes, he's cute, yes, he *seems* sweet. No I'm not jumping in bed with him. Besides, we just went for coffee tonight. An hour never went by so quickly. AND THEN he sends me a text message saying sunday (we made plans to see a movie on sunday) is gonna be such a good day for him, and it was nice meeting me, and spending more time with me will be awesome and happy valentine's day xo!
Insert giggle and cheesy, teen-flick grin. I have a good feeling, which might be a bad sign, but this time I'm not jumping (him) in to it.

On another note, I bought myself new underwear and they are friggin' awesome. They're Roxy boy-shorts! See!

If You Ain't Got No Money Take Your Broke Ass Home!

2007-02-12T08:34:00.000-08:00

Why is it that when I want to be alone for possibly the first time in my life, guys seem to realize how much they want to be with me? The worst part is, if I wasn't so intent on being by myself and so sick of men in general, these guys would probably be great guys. A case of timing being all wrong, as so often happens.
In other news, I took my bike for a rip down to Seattle the other day with a couple buddies, one being the most recent ex-boyfriend. It was amazing, and the weather was perfect. We headed on down to the Cycle Barn in Lynwood and the guy working there, Gavin, hit on me and we exchanged numbers, says he had a time share in whistler and is apparently going to call me when he's heading up there next. We were talking pretty much the entire time I was there, and it was pretty great to have the ex-boyfriend appear at my elbow, looking and acting all jealous.
Ah, vindication.
Oh yeah, I'm brunette again. It feels weird. I haven't been brunette since I turned 12 and dyed my hair for the first time.

What's It Worth?

2007-02-07T22:13:00.000-08:00

Why is it that whenever you need someone to talk to most, there's no one? Is the world designed that way to make you stronger? Or is it another shining example of Murphy's Law? So you sit in front of a computer and talk to yourself, your cats, the world in general and everyone turns a blind eye, a deaf ear. Would it even matter if there was someone when it's not the right someone? Why is it that the one person you want to be held by, to confide in, to be comforted by, is always the one who's the root of the problem?
Why do men cause so much trouble? Why is it easier to hold on, than to let go? Why, when everything says run, do you stubbornly stand still? Why, when you tell yourself daily 'I can't do this again', do you do it over, and over? You hold the tiny, ticking bomb in your hands, and you won't let it go until it lets itself go, and you're left with nothing but the fallout, wondering why it ended the same.
Life should come equipped with a sounding board upon birth. Or at least a Magic 8 Ball.

White Man's Corrupted The World & Jesus Ain't Comin'

2007-01-22T17:48:00.000-08:00

Hello backbone, spine, and gumption. How I've missed you.
It's been too long since you've been apart of me.
Fuck you, world (et al). But I still love you.
I just won't be your bitchboy anymore.

You know what you can kiss. It starts with an A and ends in SS. I'll give you a clue.
It's ASS.

The Bad Stuff Is Easier To Believe

2007-01-16T20:58:00.000-08:00

I love Pretty Woman. Is it so wrong to want a little romance? To be just temporarily swept off your feet? To feel special?
Richard Gere was so hot in that movie.
I've been with a guy and we didn't kiss once any of the times we slept together. It was an oddity. Not bad, just odd. When you take the intimacy away from sex, it becomes something different. And the reasons for doing it become different.
"Gonna leave some money by the bed when you pass through town?"
"It's just geography."
Classic movie. Random thoughts tonight.
When I was younger, I wanted to be a tugboat captain. Maybe I should look in to that.

You Know I've Been Through Hell

2007-01-08T20:23:00.000-08:00

Two guys I thought I would never hear from again have both come back in to my life in a matter of days. It's coincidence, but it's... odd and unsettling.
First was Tyler, and it's been a long time since I talked to him. Maybe a year? I can't remember exactly. It's good to hear from him again. It really is. He's a very cool guy.
Second is Mike. I'm not so sure on this one. I still like him, but I'm completely let down by him time and time again. The thing with him is, I'm always so damn attracted to him whenever we're in the same room, and I'm seeing someone now. I don't want to be tempted. And he's seeing someone again. And I don't want to do that to someone else. He thinks we can be friends. I'm not so sure. And admittedly it's mostly my fault.

I Know We're Cool

2007-01-04T09:08:00.000-08:00

I guess I have a boyfriend. Who knows. I'm bitter. And I'm jaded. And I've got a bad, bad feeling about this one. But hey, maybe that's a good thing since I had such good feelings about the last couple fuck-ups. Here's the thing, I think he still has feelings for his (recent) ex-wife. Oh, what's that? EX-WIFE. Yes, that's what I said.

Work is the same, bills are the same. Biking is on hold until better weather and more money come into my world. My life revolves around emo bitching these days, hence the lack of posting and the altogether silentness of me.

Really, maybe I should just turn this in to a gay picture blog like so many people seem to be doing these days.

The new dude putting me in my place

New Years with friends

New Years with coworkers

Birthday party at my house for Eve

Maybe I'm just vain and I like looking at myself. Yeah, that's probably it.

no

2006-12-19T20:56:00.000-08:00

i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care

this exercise in the supreme effort of not caring is brought to you by:

Mike will never date me because i'm not fat and tall
my ex boyfriend who i still hurt over has a new girlfriend
i know exactly what you want and i'm not it and it hurts when you make moves on me when all you want is sex
marty could mend my broken heart but he won't, he might make it worse though
correction, will make it worse
i slept with my friend's brother and she will hate me if she ever finds out
i have slept with people who are friends with each other. and i think they know
i am a slut, slut, slut

Because Patrick Is One In A Million

2006-12-12T22:01:00.000-08:00

Oh no! Now you all know my real name! But I'm still the bestest Drunken Spy there is!
Patrick, you'll always be the wind beneath my wings!

Cause It's All In My Head

2006-12-08T18:17:00.000-08:00

Went and saw All-American Rejects with Boys Like Girls and MotionCity Soundtrack last night as a christmas present for my friend Christina. We were really only there for MotionCity Soundtrack and they kicked some serious concert ass. I've seen AAR at the Croation Cultural Center before, and they played so much better there, or maybe I just didn't notice as much because there was moshing and crowd surfing. The concert last night was at the QE theatre and there was no pit or anything so I paid more attention to the lead singer's voice and he bit the big one. And I think they kind of realized it, because they did more talking, less playing. I felt a little gipped but really, I was only there for MCS so I can't complain too loudly, I could have left after they played.
In other news, my bike's ignition looks to be shot and will be replaced this sunday by a friend of mine, who I'm starting to actually like. Bad news. He's just recently divorced and obviously revelling in it. Ah, well. No one ever said I knew how to pick 'em.
I'm getting my bike helmet custom-painted, black with pink flames to match the bike. It's gonna be awesome. Pics to follow.
I think I'm going to have to try and find a nighttime job. Anyone know of anywhere that's hiring for a 7-12 shift?

And So...

2006-12-03T15:47:00.000-08:00

The Diary Of Self-Restraint continues...

Days without sex: 9

Days without talking to/etc ex boyfriend: 0 (I accidentally saw a picture with him in it when I was looking at party pictures)

Days without making a move on Mike: 4

So, that aside, I went out to the Shark Club in Langley last night to watch the game/get together with a bunch of riding buddies and bitch about how we're not riding.
I'm going to have to get Honda to fit my bike with a new key, this one just won't turn in the ignition anymore. I've tried wd40 etc to see if it was just a little sticky, but no such luck. I hope Honda reps get back to me pretty soon, I really need to winterize my bike and I can't do it if I can't get it started to let the engine stabilizer circulate. Fuck.
Mike was supposed to take me ice skating tonight, but he says he's too hungover. More like, he's blowing me off to get laid by his girlfriend.
It makes me want to go out and buy the first and second seasons of Laguna Beach and watch them all the way through.
I should really clean my place. It's fucking disgusting.I haven't done dishes for at least two weeks, and laundry... well, I have maybe one clean pair of underwear left. I'm such a slob.
Instead, I'll just sit around and watch 'She's The Man' and lament over all the things that need to be done that I'm putting off because I don't want to deal with them.

Thus, A New Beginning

2006-12-01T00:26:00.000-08:00

The diary of self-restraint commences.

Days without sex: 7

Days without talking to/looking at objects from ex boyfriend: 16

Days without making a move on Mike (good friend with current new girlfriend): 2

Already, I'm doing better than previous attempts at this. I should make a counter that sits on the site permanently.
How long does it take to restore a reputation? To feel better about yourself? If I knew, I'd make it a countdown.

You can't beat the classics

2006-11-30T22:41:00.000-08:00

Woah, Oh, Oh
For the longest time
Woah, Oh, Oh
For the longest time

If you said goodbye to me tonight
There would still be music left to write
What else could I do, I'm so inspired by you
That hasn't happened for the longest time

Once I thought my innocence was gone
Now I know that happiness goes on
That's when you found me, when you put your arms around me
I haven't been there for the longest time

Woah, Oh, Oh
For the longest time
Woah, Oh, Oh
For the longest time

I'm that voice you're hearing in the hall
And the greatest miracle of all
Is how I need you, and how you needed me too
That hasn't happened in the longest time

Maybe this won't last very long
But you feel so right
And I could be wrong
Maybe I've gone this far
And it's more than I'd hoped for

Who knows how much further we'll go on
Maybe I'll be sorry when you're gone
I'll take my chances, I forgot how nice romance is
I haven't been there for the longest time

I had second thoughts at the start
I said to myself, hold on to your heart
Now I know the woman that you are
It's wonderful so far
And you're more than I'd hoped for

I don't care what consequence it brings
I have been a fool for lesser things
I want you so bad, I think you ought to know that
I intend to hold you for the longest time

-Billy Joel

You say you wanna kick it when I ain't so high

2006-11-27T18:41:00.000-08:00

I drove home from seattle the other day. 8 hours. 8 fucking hours. People on the I-5 kept stalling and driving off the roads etc and traffic was a crawl at the best of times. I fucking hate snow.
And I had to take the insurance off my motorcycle tonight. The best part of my life is now gone. This is gonna be a long winter.
Here, have a picture of my ass.

p.s. K Dawg is what my riding buddies call me.

Lypiphera

2006-11-20T22:33:00.000-08:00

I have this strange new sense of emotional numbness. Do you think it's possible to cross a line and have everything just shut down on you? For hurt and pain and heartache to be so overwhelming that it turns off because your mind/body just can't take anymore without breaking?
Everytime I think about something that would have had me in tears only a day ago, there's a twinge, and then there's nothing. A strange detachment from any feeling at all. Something that would have made me happy (precious little these days) is a faint smile, and then nothing. It's not even emptiness, because emptiness has a feeling to it. This is an off-switch to emotion. And there's tears, sometimes, that well up behind my eyes and stick in my throat like raw fire, but they don't come, and there's only the motion. There's nothing there behind it.

If I could feel, I would feel scared.

Maybe I'm Back

2006-11-20T13:05:00.000-08:00

... Maybe I'm not.

I went to a party on friday. It was the worst night of my life...

Doesn't it show?

Still on hiatus

2006-10-27T16:43:00.000-07:00

But it's pretty, and it's mine, and I love it. Happy freakin' birthday to me.

Baby did a bad, bad thing

2006-10-18T17:06:00.000-07:00

I don't have the heart to write. This blog is on a temporary hiatus until I figure out where I went wrong and how to fix it.

Honey why are you calling me so late?

2006-10-16T15:34:00.000-07:00

Fuck Hinder. Fuck Hinder and their god damn fucking song.
Matt (the ex) left me a message last night.
I was doing so well. So well.
I deleted all the pictures, I burned the ones that were tangible. The message history was wiped clean, and I nuked the profiles on nexopia, plentyoffish, and anywhere else that he was still on to tempt me into remembering. I blocked him on the sport bike sites that we're both on and I deleted his phone number from my phone, and his emails from my msn. Everything that ever reminded me besides the memories in my head, I let go of. If I thought of him, occasionally cried over him, well, what else could I do? I was working so hard at letting go. Moving on.
I knew I should have blocked him. I thought erasing everything would be the answer but I just couldn't bring myself to block him from msn. I tried, god knows I tried. But in the end, I couldn't press the button. I figured what I had done would be enough. It had to be.
I came home last night, with Matt (my boyfriend), flicked the screen saver from my screen, and flashing down at the bottom of my screen was a waiting message from an email. His email. Yes, I deleted, but I knew it still. I'll probably know it ten years from now, and all the grief that damn email caused me.
All it said was 'u around?'
Innocuous, innocent, simple question. Am I around?
'I am now.'
'But I'm going to bed.'

Matt says 'okay good night'

And everything these past weeks I've worked so hard to forget is undone by something as simple as that. Why couldn't he leave it be? Why can't I forget? Why can I still not block the damn email? Why am I sitting here listening to this stupid fucking song and watching the task bar at the bottom of my screen, desparate for the flash of orange?

"My girl's in the next room. Sometimes I wish she was you. I guess we never really moved on."

I am so awesome

2006-10-13T18:10:00.000-07:00

You should just all know how freakin awesome I am tonight and tomorrow night. Wanna know? I know you do. Because I'm the bestest girlfriend ever! EVER!
I'm cooking dinner for my boyfriend tomorrow night! Well, I precooked everything today so I have time to pretty myself up before he gets here tomorrow night, but still!
The menu-
Garden Salad with a balsamic vinaigrette dressing
Butter soaked corn on the cob
Twice-baked potatoes
....and...
MAUI RIBS

That's right.

...and I'm going to get a Brazilian tonight.

Behind Closed Eyes

2006-10-11T23:20:00.000-07:00

Have you burned through my brain?
I can still see you when I close my eyes
I'm left breathless and paralyzed
Blind to everything but the numbing pain

And maybe you'll never be what you seemed
Maybe, but it kills me to think of it
I bite my lip and close my eyes against regret
You're in my arms again, my apparition, my dream

Helpless and prostrate, waiting on a kinder demise
Lost in denial, letting the night wash over me
Wrapped around myself I can let go of lucidity
Inside these empty arms, your smile lies behind closed eyes.

A Day Late, A Buck Short

2006-10-09T22:07:00.000-07:00

I went and saw the new Martin Scorcese film tonight with my daddy. Gore and more gore and a sense that he's not a fan of the police system. It was all right. And I have to see it with my new guy tomorrow because I promised him I would. Not something I want to sit through again, but I'll do it anyway. Everyone gets shot in the fucking head.
So, a guy from the island who picked up my bike in his truck when I totalled it asked my ex-boyfriend for my number, and he gave it to him. You don't give someone's number out without their permission, #1, and #2 you don't give out your ex girlfriend's number. The dude said he told the ex it was for some other reason, but you know what? I don't fucking care what you told him. The fact that he was idiot enough to just hand out my number is reason enough for me to want to pound the shit out of his ugly, receding hairline.
Yeah, that's right. You'll be bald long before I'll be sagging so go fuck yourself.

Anyway, I've decided my next bike will be the '06 suzuki katana 600, stock black. Sooooo preeeetty. WANT.

I have a very sweet boyfriend. So far.

An Interesting Turn Of Affairs

2006-10-06T17:53:00.000-07:00

So, it appears that I have a boyfriend. I don't know how it happened because I wasn't looking for one, but he seems nice. I'm not going to get too excited though, and not too attached.
It's the Matt who works for the riding school, the one I went on the blind date with. We've been out three times since then, and he's invited me to his friend's bbq tomorrow night.
I'm not sure what else to say, which is strange because I'm not usually at a loss for the written word.

Fuck Man, Like Woah!

2006-10-02T09:45:00.000-07:00

So, I have to work tues-sat this week, which sort of blows. It's nice because I've had an extra long weekend to recover (thank you muscle relaxants and painkillers) but crappy because I hate working the saturday shift.
Buuuuuut tonight I get to go riding! Yay for me! The guy from the blind date, Matt, called last night while I was over at a friend's watching 'Walk The Line' (didn't like it), so I called him back when I got home. He invited me to come out to the motorcycle class tonight and borrow one of their bikes and go on the ride with them. Incredibly nice of him. I think he's shy, though. My thoughts on shy guys: if they don't open up after three dates, then it's just not going to work.
In other news, a friend that I had back in high school, and haven't heard from in years, called in a state of breakdown. She's having trouble coping with university, having anxiety attacks and the like, so she called me
... me. I missed my calling as a psychiatrist. Still, it was good to hear from her and I promised I'd hang out with her today and hopefully she'll feel a bit better.
I keep getting wrong-number calls for this chick named Nina. Apparently, her phone number is one digit off of mine. So this guy calls and I thought it was some other guy I know, and he thought I was Nina and we had a good, long, weird conversation before I realized that my name is not Nina. And then I told him, and we realized we'd done the exact same thing the last time he accidentally called my number instead. He says he's going to do it a lot more often now. Okay...

You expect me to just let you hit it

2006-09-29T18:09:00.000-07:00

So, I have a blind date tonight. I question my sanity when I start accepting hook-ups through friends. My friend Nadia has been asking me to go out with her friend Matt (yes, another Matt - someone up there hates me) for awhile now, and I caved and agreed to a thing tonight. He rides, which is good. Apparently, she gives him her seal of approval to not fuck me over. We'll see.
I don't even know where we're going or what he looks like. Just that I'm supposed to be ready around 7-ish and they'll be picking me up. If I don't post for a couple weeks, someone come looking for me, okay?
In other news, the minor injuries I thought I'd sustained in the bike crash turned out to be a bit bigger. The whiplash is causing some pretty bad headaches and now I'm on muscle relaxants and pain killers, and orders to start going to physio.
Anyway, I'm determined to find a guy who wants to be with me for something more than sex. There's got to be at least one out there. Ah, optimism, how I missed you.

Battle Wounds

2006-09-25T18:17:00.000-07:00

Here are my owies, now kiss them better!

Road rash, left side

Banged up right knee

Bad picture, but my sunglasses smashed my eye inside the helmet. It's bruising up.

Neck scratches

CRASH BOOM BANG

2006-09-24T21:34:00.000-07:00

I am lucky to be alive. Totalled my bike. Justa bit of road rash and a banged up knee and head. Details eventually.

You didn't have to do it but you did it to say that you didn't have to do it but you would anyway

2006-09-21T18:50:00.000-07:00

So, friday night will be sushi night. Saturday night will be clubbing night. Sunday during the afternoon is the kawasaki meet on the Island. Am I crazy? Probably. The ex will be there, for sure. Do I care? Maybe a little, but not much. I'm there for the ride. I've wanted to hit the island roads for awhile now, and now's my chance to do it before the weather is too crappy.
I've gotta take my baby in for its first servicing on tuesday. Holy frigging pricy. And they want me to leave my bike there for a few hours. Blah to that.
Tonight I'm gonna go riding with some guys. SHould be fun. Gotta make the most of the weather that doesn't suck.
For dinner tonight: coke and oreo cookies. I'd add the skittles but they're in the kitchen and I'm too lazy to get off my fat ass and get them.

Blogging at 1am

2006-09-18T01:21:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep. I'm trying to sleep. I tried for almost two hours to coax my mind into a restive state, in many, many different ways, and it's just not having any of it. So now I'm coaxing my body with some neo citran. If I can't tame the beast, at least I have a tranquilizer.
It's this damn cough and this damn ex boyfriend. Both equally stupid fallouts of something I've done. Shouldn't have gone riding with the flu, I knew better. But did I listen to my own sage advice? Noooooo. Why would I do that when I can be up at 1am blogging? Shouldn't have dated a guy who, right off the bat, said 'I'll never hurt you'. Boy did I see that one coming, but did I avoid? Noooooo. Why would I do that when I can be up at 1am blogging!
I'm tossing around the idea of deleting this blog in my head, have been for the past few weeks. The reason it was created was so I could write every single detail of my life without censorship of any parts of it. More an ode to my crappy memory than anything else. But now, too many people read it and I don't feel comfortable writing something that they'll read/something about them. So the idea of 'delete this blog, create a new one' is taking root, and may end up being what I'll do.
I saw the Black Dahlia tonight. Fucking creepy movie.
I just want to close my eyes and it's not happening. I need an off switch for my brain. Some would argue that it's a permanent fixture, but trust me, it's not.

BLAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH

2006-09-15T04:37:00.000-07:00

There is nothing worse than throwing up. The only thing that saves throwing up from being the worst experience on earth is the knowledge that afterwards, you *will* feel better.
Enter: not feeling better after throwing up.
I just threw up like crazy and I still don't feel any better.
Wow, this sucks more than anything. I was all like 'hey, come on, just throw up, body, the nausea sucks and you know you'll feel better after, right?' and my body was all 'BARF' and then I was like 'hey, wtf! still nausea!'
I think I'll probably have to puke some more. Not looking forward to it. Not at all.

Oooh Pretty

2006-09-14T15:38:00.000-07:00

Did you notice I changed colours!
The new banner is courtesy of my bestest ice cream buddy Patrick, up temporarily until photoshop finishes taking forever to download. And then I'm thinkin'... lightning bolts.

I'm all like 'WOAH'

2006-09-14T13:49:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm sick. No you're not supposed to ride when you're sick. Yes, I did it anyway.
I took my baby out for a short ride to the library and back. It was crazy. Tunnel-vision abounds. I probably shouldn't have taken her out, because it's so damn hard to bring her back in, even if it's a bit more dangerous riding with the flu.
What can I say, I like to live on the edge. Come on, look at the guys I dated. Obviously living dangerously is a theme.
Now, to convince myself I shouldn't go riding tonight. Really. Shouldn't.
...

Don't tell me truth hurts, little girl, cause it hurts like hell

2006-09-13T21:19:00.000-07:00

The only thing worse than being sick is being sick without someone to cuddle and coddle me back to health.
Fuck being sick. It blows. Stupid flu.
Someone come and coddle me. I need serious coddling.

On a sidenote, Halloween is rapidly approaching and I have no clue what to be. Last year was the Rocky Horror Picture Show (hence the corset and booty shorts) but I didn't have the best time so something else will be on the agenda this year.

This tylenol cold and flu isn't doing shit. The gingerale helps. Cuddling would help more.

I don't know

2006-09-11T19:48:00.000-07:00

I really don't. Are booty calls the only thing I'm good for? From some people, it's cool, because there was no pretense of anything else. From others, it just kind of destroys me a little.

Freedom is a state of mind

2006-09-10T14:36:00.000-07:00

Not much has been up lately. I'm boring. Blah blah blah. Bike riding, blah blah blah. Boys, blah blah blah. Work, blah blah blah.
There was a blog party last night that I went to briefly. I didn't stick around too long, it was a little uncomfortable. Large groups of people I don't know don't bring out the fun in me unless I'm drunk. Plus, I had a hockey game to go to, which I ended up blowing off.
Lately I've had the urge to violently hurt someone (yes someone specific) but I'm not even going to get in to it or I'll just get more violent.
I remember when I was the only person who read my blog. I guess I could take down the comments function and pretend I'm the only person who reads my blog. Hell, I might still be the only person who reads my blog because it's been so fascinating lately.
You know what's funny? The word pickle. And people getting knocked in the groin.
Yeah, that's damn funny.

Stroke My Ego And I'll Stroke Yours

2006-09-05T14:25:00.000-07:00

Boredom on a tuesday afternoon looks like this. Waiting patiently for 5pm to roll around so I can go out on a ride with a bunch of others. 2 more hours. What to do to pass the time...

Resolution

2006-09-05T02:13:00.000-07:00

1. I resolve to be less fucking nice

2. I resolve to stop letting others think I'm a good girl when I'm a fucking bad girl

3. I resolve to bring men to their knees and keep them there, because I know that I fucking can

4. I resolve to smoke more fucking pot because it keeps reality at bay and I can be more resolute in my resolutions

5. I resolve to start demanding more and giving less, and fuck anyone who says different or wants too much

6. I resolve to be fucking angry, instead of fucking sad, and god help the man who makes me angry next because I'll pull his fucking balls out through his mouth and wipe his ass with them

7. I resolve to dress like a slut and a fucking tease, lead a man on, and then shut him down with a cold smile

8. I resolve to listen less, and pay more fucking attention

9. I resolve to believe everything anyone says is a lie meant to fuck me over, and in such resolution, protect against being fucked

10. I resolve to be fucked less, and fuck more

BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING BALL BUSTER

I'm Not That Kinda Girl!

2006-09-02T11:31:00.000-07:00

I've been riding a lot lately. To work, from work, every night with some of the nice folks at bcsportbike.com. And my thighs are like iron! Tip-toeing that bike backwards is a great workout. But the bike, while brand-new, has now been dropped twice. Once buy a guy who was trying to show me how to use my centre stand properly, and once by me trying to get it up the driveway and stalling it. I tried picking it up myself, no go. I think they need to invent some sort of hydraulic lift to get the bike at least half way up so it's easier for short, small, not so very strong people.
I cancelled my cable the other day. I rarely watch tv so I figured I didn't want to pay an extra $40 for something I don't use. Then I changed my cell phone plan, better and cheaper, now. I can't believe I was willingly paying $80 a month for my cell and now I get more minutes, free text and web time etc etc for $35.
Anyone want to take over a car lease at $260 a month for another two years? '04 Toyota echo hatchback, millenium gold. I'm just going to get a beater for the snow-days, and then ride my bike the rest of the time. I should post an ad in the paper, I'm sure someone will go for it.
Tempted, so very tempted to sell my guitar. I really don't want to, but I'm not practising as much as I should, therefore I'm not getting any better, and really, if I can only play a few songs, what's the point. Meh. I probably won't, but it's an idea.
I almost want to take a picture of my leg and armpit hair. I've been letting it grow out for a couple weeks (prepping a coat for winter), but I'll probably shave it today. But it's damn impressive and I should commemorate it somehow.
The ex boyfriend and I are tentatively talking. Honestly, I could care less. I'm still pissed off over how he handled things, but it's a passive 'I'm over it' anger. I wasn't exactly angelic in the situation. I'm not looking to hook back up (it's the whole trust issue-I've come to accept that once it's gone, it's gone) because god knows (and screw modesty) I can do that with any number of guys. But no one I know, apart from the people I've just started to meet, shares my love of riding. And everytime I bring it up with friends they look at me like I'm crazy and they're not supportive at all and it's driving me crazy. I don't want to hear 'but it's so dangerous' anymore everytime I enter in to a conversation. I *know* that it's dangerous. Crossing the street is fucking dangerous. I ride *because* it's dangerous. That's part of the thrill. Two wheels, open air, it's an amazing rush everytime I get on the bike. But that doesn't mean I'm going to be stupid about it. I'm not going to start weaving in and out of traffic, I'm not going to rev to crazy speeds, and I'm not going to ride without my gear. End Of Rant.

Sex On Wheels

2006-08-29T22:03:00.000-07:00

And you will know me by the trail of drooling boys...
LOOK AT MY NEW BABY! LOOK! LOVE! HEART HEART HEART!
I am incoherent with bliss over this new purchase. Yeah, it's only 500 but I'm riding within my limits until I get used to the bike, then I'll get the 600. But look how pretty this one is!

Sweet Nothings

2006-08-27T08:20:00.000-07:00

What the hell am I doing awake at 8am on a sunday morning. It's downright indecent, is what it is. I finally spent a saturday night staying in. Nuts to that, I say! I ended up going in to a cleaning frenzy, and I'll have to finish it sometime today.
So, motorcycle lessons are over and done with. The dude that I thought wanted to ask me out didn't, and I just didn't have the guts to ask him. Plus, I think he has a girlfriend. Oh, well. I'll have to book my road test soon. And I'll have to buy a motorcycle even sooner. It sucks not having one right now to practise on. What I'll probably end up doing is taking out a bank loan, paying off my car, selling my car, and then buying a bike and a junker car to see me through the winter. Such hassle.
I have this theory that guys call girls endearing pet names because they can't remember their real names.
On another random note, I dislike very much people who play favourites.
And now is the time on Sprocketts ven ve vaccuum!

Video clip from the other night

2006-08-26T14:19:00.000-07:00

For KevBo, really. I wasn't planning on pictures or video, but I brought it out for a minute during Avalanche.

For A Smile They Can Share The Night

2006-08-22T08:53:00.000-07:00

So, it's been how many days without sex? Lots. Lots more to go, but I'm not worried. I'm keeping myself busy with work and riding. I passed my MSA (Motorcycle Skills Assessment) after drilling mercilessly in 28degree heat for 10 hours or so. I was more proud of that than most everything else I've done of late. All the guys in my class (there's 9 guys and 1 other girl who's about 40 years old) came up and hugged me, were just really supportive and genuinely nice guys. Faith restored a *tiny* bit in the male species. There's this one guy in the class, too. He's cute, seems really sweet. He was the first to come up and hug me, all smiles, and congratulate me when I passed. I'm pretty sure he wants to ask me out but he's too shy to do it. And I don't want to do it for him and then seem too forward. Plus, if you don't have the guts to ask me out, you probably don't want to date me all that badly. So, I'll wait and see what happens. Saturday is our last day and it's a Road Ride (same as last night) which just basically means we go out on the road all day. It's an amazing feeling. I'm going to go out and buy a bike sometime within the next couple weeks.
Other than that, I'm just working, working, working.

No Stairway To Heaven

2006-08-19T10:57:00.000-07:00

"It will be mine. Oh, yes, it will be mine."

In Thrust We Trust

2006-08-18T23:52:00.000-07:00

Cole, why aren't we married yet?
Because I was feeling down, as so often happens these days, the only guy I know to always be there for me, was, surprise, there for me. I came home to this in my email:

Top ten reasons Angela is the greastest thing since sliced bread.
1) She's highly intelligent.
2) She gives great advice whenever I'm in need of it.
3) She always manages to cheer me up, no matter how shitty I feel.
4) She's witty, clever and funny.
5) She actually gives a shit.
6) She's willing to listen to what you actually have to say, which few, few people do.
7) She's kind, no matter how much she may deny it at times.
8) She's strong, although at times she may not think so. She's been through things I couldn't even imagine and always seems to come out the other side again. Handling it all a lot better than I would have.
9) She's rationale. Whenever I'm having an emotional fit, she always sorts me out.
10) She's loyal, which is one of the most admirable traits to have. You can see it in how she defends her friends and in what she generally has to say.

Conclusion: She is the greatest thing since sliced bread. "

It's amazing how much it makes me smile to realize that I have such an incredible friend.

Could not be your Memory

2006-08-16T15:58:00.000-07:00

That's right. It's that time again.
Time for my vow of chastity. Only this time, I mean it.
No screwing, no being screwed over. No fucking, no being fucked over. You get the picture.
Starting today, until New Years' Eve, I am not hooking up, getting it on, horizontal tangoing, submitting to temptation, knockin' da boots with anyone.
Kissing's okay, fooling around above the waistline, fine. Nothing below and certainly nothing completely naked. Until New Years. This time, I'm determined.
I thought the sex would make me feel better, would make it easier, but it doesn't, and it won't. All it did was make me think that that was all anyone could like about me, could want from me. And I tried to convince myself that I didn't care, but I do. I really, really do.
So, that's it.
Fin

I'm Not Here Anymore

2006-08-15T18:46:00.000-07:00

I was, once.
There was a point in my life when I was there. I remember it clearly, as vivid as a still-life painting mocking me with its perfect predictability, hanging on the same wall, unchanging and just as beautiful the first time my gaze landed on it as the times that would follow. In the fleeting moments of my life I can remember being here, shielded in this place of security and simplicity. A heartfelt hand of peachy flesh reaching out to me, a cocoon to my own small fingers, a comforting sheath to my world of fragility; a warm smile of imperfect white teeth, shining down on me like the soft glow of a bedside lamp; strong arms, a gentle cuddle, the nestle of shaved cheek against youthful, freckled skin. I held this image of my world in untutored hands and I could see it, could see it as clearly as that perfect painting hanging, eternal and enduring, on the wall. And one by one, the pieces fell away. Loss, anguish, fear and doubt, all seeding their way into my vulnerable heaven, and my eyes wide open, watching on in numb noninterference, capable of change but unable to lift that insulating veil for fear of the truth ever present in man-made illusion. Like a splash of varnish on untreated canvas, things began to blur. Right became an indecipherable mess of wrong, and wrong became a thing to close my eyes against, and ignore. I drifted far from here, away from the painting, away from the hand, and the teeth, and the arms that held me; far afield from the sweet rasp of stubble that pressed so near to my world. I slipped like the sound of a soft whisper, beyond the dissolution of my shattering haven.
I was here once.
And I've returned to sew a patchwork quilt of my virginal memories.

My hands are soaking in the blood of angels

2006-08-13T20:45:00.000-07:00

The weekend was certainly eventful. Friday night I learned a new word. Spinner. Ten points and a funny wink to anyone who knows what that means.
Saturday morning was crazy at work. Some of our machinery broke down, causing us to have to stay later, and staying later=grouchy Angela who was up late the night before and just wants to go home and sleep.
Ah, but saturday night, now that was just pure gold. I met this dude, who was, despite his claims, an awesome guy. Funny, drunken pictures will soon be emerging from the night spent drinking and dancing at the Blarney Stone. I just have to gain the motivation to hook up my camera and transfer the pics. So sleepy and just a little hungover now.
Likely I should be going to bed now, but I'll stick it out a little longer. Work in the AM, only I can't find my schedule so I don't know whether I'm on the early or the late shift. With my luck, it will be the early shift.
Starting motorcycle lessons this wednesday. This is going to be one loco week, my friends. A week of waking up at 5am and going to bed at 11pm. Wash, Rinse, Repeat.
Saturday is the City & Colour concert at the Malkin Bowl. Did you know there is no phone number for the Malkin Bowl? I've looked everywhere. The problem being, the concert starts at 6:30, and I don't get off motorcycle lessons until 6:30. So I'm going to be an hour late, which is fine, missing the opening acts. But what I'm wondering is, will they let me in if I show up at the doors an hour late? I hope so. I want so badly to see this show.

Would somebody please poke holes in the top of my jar?

2006-08-10T15:07:00.000-07:00

Got tipsy last night with a couple friends, I'm really starting to like this red wine business. Nothing terribly exciting ensued, and then I went to bed.
Woke up at 11am (had my day off today) and went to the DMV where I proceeded to rock the socks off the motorcycle knowledge test, partly hungover. Damn, I'm good.
Went to pay the rent, then got some groceries. I was going to stop at the liquor store on the way back but I've decided that having large amounts of alcohol in my fridge leads to temptation and I can avoid everything but temptation. So I just went straight home like the little angel my daddy still believes I am, and now I'm sitting here with a half a glass of wine and willing myself to do laundry and other cleanly things that have been sorely neglected since shit went down.
I'll probably end up throwing the laundry in and then being distracted by my guitar. Even though I really, really *should* do the dishes. Someone come and do the dishes for me?

I Can Take It If You Need To

2006-08-09T07:01:00.000-07:00

Let's play one of my favourite games! It's called 'two truths and a lie'. Simple game. I'm going to give you a sentence about me; it will contain two things that are true, and one thing untrue, and you have to guess what the lie is. We'll start easy!

"I'm 23 years old, I've been a vegetarian for 11 years, and I'm really a Princess from a foreign land in exile."

"I graduated with honours from high school a year early, I hate politics, and I'm about to take riding lessons to get a motorcycle license."

"I hate my job, I have an obsession with lingerie, and I had a threesome last night."

Have fun. I'm off to work.

You all better come, yo!

2006-08-08T19:11:00.000-07:00

There's a blogger meet up happening and I'm going to be there! Now, don't let that stop you from coming, I promise to be drunk and make bad decisions!

I Treat A Man Like He Treats Me

2006-08-07T21:16:00.000-07:00

New motto: see above.

I went to Alouette Lake for the night, camped out with some friends who are already up there. Spent most of sunday on the beach and in the lake, running around in my skimpiest bikini because you know I can flaunt that shit, yo. We spent the night drinking around a campfire. I wish I'd brought my guitar.
I came home this afternoon, I just wasn't up for staying all day. Came home, sat around.
Posted something of very little consequence. Yadda yadda yadda.

Free speech

2006-08-05T16:51:00.000-07:00

I have to come to terms with this break up. I have to stop thinking about him on an hourly basis (and more frequently, if I'm being honest with myself). I have to quit running over the scenarios in which I could have done something different that would have made him stay. I have to keep away the disillusion that he actually misses me, because it's an illusion that only fosters hope, and it's the hope that won't let me let go. I should go through therapy, I know work will pay for it. I won't put myself on anti-depressants, because I have to be stronger than that. I have to believe that I'm better than this, and that I'm worth more than a liar, and a cheater. I need to come to terms that the feeling you have for someone, isn't always the feeling they share, even if they tell you it is; that a man on his knees with his head in your lap, pleading for a second chance is only there because guilt put him there, and lies keep his mouth moving, and his guilt from overwhelming him. I need to deal with the fact that some people just don't know what they want, and they're not above using others to figure it out.

I was hoping that my drunken message would go unresponded to. I place too much faith in hope.

"I do miss you to but well it just wont happen. the most i can see us being is friends. and thats in time

im sorry"

I have to realize that when someone says they're sorry, these days, they only mean that they're sorry they have to deal with the consequences.
I've never said 'I'm sorry' and not meant it. I've never cheated in a relationship. I've never, ever said 'I love you' and not meant it with every part of my heart and soul. And I guess that's why it's so hard to let go. I meant it. I still mean it. It's not something I can walk away from, the way he could. And I'll never be able to. I just have to be more careful in the future.

Take me sane

2006-08-04T18:54:00.000-07:00

The infamous ass shot. Known among my friends as the picture to end all drunken pictures of me.

Your Double-standards don't mean shit to me

2006-08-04T01:06:00.000-07:00

Well, I did try.

Unfortunately, I failed.

Yes, I had sex. Yes, it was good. Blah, fucking, blah.

p.s. And I sent the ex a message telling him I was drunk (which I am, off red wine) and I missed him.

Oh, am I going to hate myself when I wake up for work in about 6 hours.

Mther Fcker

2006-08-02T22:46:00.000-07:00

Well, I have successfully gone 1 day without sex.
... I don't know how much more of this I can take! I feel like some pervert who's just going to be walking down a street, scoping out the innocent foals like a sexual predator, and then just all of a sudden, jump on some poor, unsuspecting guy and screw his brains out. in an alleyway, or something.
I need a new vibrator.

White Devils & Blue Angels

2006-08-01T21:46:00.000-07:00

It's funny, the little things we take to heart.
I was talking, briefly, to someone today, and he made the parting remark of "...have fun! don't get laid!"
Am I really that bad? That I have to have an, albeit joking, remark on the things I blog about here? Really, given the amount of days in a week, I don't have sex all that often.
Maybe I should just try abstaining from sex so you guys have nothing to read about.
That's a good idea. I'm going to see how long I can go without having sex. Any bets?

Because.

2006-08-01T18:54:00.000-07:00

So I was tagged by Grace and KevBo.

Five things in my freezer:
1.Ice
2.Frozen dinners
3.Ice Cream
4.Popsicles
5.15 jars of jam from my grandma

Five things in the closet:
1.Vaccuum cleaner
2.Pot stash
3.Wrapping paper and gift shit
4.My dad's old army sleeping bag
5.A bag full of barbies and barbie doll clothes that I refuse to part with

Five things in the car:
1.CD's
2.GoPages
3.Pirate sword
4."Porn; It's Cheaper Than Dating!" sticker on the dashboard
5.Worry beads

Five things in my backpack:
HAHAHAHAHA backpack...
I don't own a backpack. Lame.

Buying the Stairway

2006-08-01T01:24:00.001-07:00

How do you tell which is the girl who's stoned out of her mind?
Well, Bob, I don't know for sure, but d'ya think it could be the one driving 80kmph on the highway, vibing to Zeppelin, red-eyed, while an oreo McFlurry melts between her thighs?
Good times, good times.
My brother supposedly fixed the msn (router) problems I've been having. But then he forced me to smoke two joints with him and watch Grandma's Boy. Funny shit, I kid you not.

Oh, yeah...
Hey Man, I'm on to you.

Fifty to Fuck Me in Five

2006-07-30T21:32:00.000-07:00

Let's see, what did I do today. I went to the Pitch'N'Putt in Stanley Park and layed the ass-sucking down while drinking beer. It was great fun. I was with my friend Mikey, who has aspirations of being more than a friend. We were makin' out old-fashion style on the 10th hole to the 18th, and the poor guy had a boner. I called it my handicap. Made it harder for him to concentrate. So, we're walking back to my car and he hints at me having my own place and we don't have to end the night right then and there. Now, I'm no Saint, I'm the first to admit it, but I really am *trying* to cut back on the number of guys I sleep with, so I tell him no. And, you know what, here's a tip for all you guys out there: when a girl says no, don't stand there and look at her like 'you must be fucking kidding' and then act like a two year old who's been denied his favourite toy. I wanted to slap him. Sex with me is not your fucking right, it's a privilege and if I say no, don't fucking whine about it.
So, I say no, then I tell him that I have my period anyway (which is true), so he suggests we walk along the beach. I'm not a fan of him by now, but I'm also not a fan of sitting alone at home feeling sorry for myself, so I accepted. We walk around, talking, yadda yadda yadda. I drop him off at his car, he invites me to the fireworks next saturday, I say a 'sure, if I'm not busy' but I really doubt I would have.... EXCEPT he left his freakin shirt in my car and now I have to see him again to give it back. I wonder if guys do this on purpose. I know some women who do.
Not much else going on in my life.

Officially (Almost) Licensed To Ill

2006-07-29T15:26:00.000-07:00

Oh, who's a (future) badass and delinquent! That's right, it's me! I start motorcycle lessons with Action Motorcycle on the 16th of august. Hot damn! I haven't been this excited since... well, since ever! Things are looking up for me and I'm in a slaphappy great mood! I went out today and picked up my jacket (I've had the helmet for awhile) and some boots. The jacket was the only semi-letdown, but it barely phased me. See, there was this wicked white leather jacket at Holeshot racing out in Langley, and I wanted it, oh how I wanted it! It was so classy bad-girl! But, they only had a small. And it didn't come in extra small, which is the perfect fit for me. So, I went with the black, which has a gay little pink flower on the front but it's barely noticable and I still look sweet. Here, see how badass I'm gonna be!

The Boots

SpaceWoman

BadAss

Let's Talk About Sex

2006-07-28T19:45:00.000-07:00

Am I a nymphomaniac? No, I don't think so. Do I absolutely have to have it all the time? No. Hell, I could probably hold out for a month if I really wanted to. But there seems to be some misconception over just why I like sex so much, if I'm not nympho. Or, at least, it seems to be a topic my friends are discussing far too often for my liking. They've got this deconstruction of me all wrong. So, even though they're not going to read this, I'm going to deconstruct it properly.
Sex=Fun
It's not even that I have multiple orgasms. Hell, it's not that I even have one (it happens, but rarely). It's equal parts of loving to be mouth-to-mouth and naked flesh-to-naked flesh, and the feel of a guys' dick inside me. Sure, even that can be bad sometimes, depending on the guy, but generally, it's not. I think that's why I almost always post about having good sex. It's because good sex, to me, is based on the above qualities, and not the number, or type, of orgasms. And that, my friends, is why I like to have sex as much as I do.
This little insight into my twisted mind brought to you by the lack of sex I'm having tonight.

I Just Want To Buy A Melon

2006-07-27T20:10:00.000-07:00

Well, fuck me sideways. I went online to try and get tickets for the august 01st matt good show in victoria, because a friend assured me there were still tickets left... oh, well, sure, if you're talking about imaginary fucking tickets. SOLD OUT. I hate those words. It means a denial of what I want and as most of you have probably figured out, I'm used to being spoiled rotten. Now, no show. Unhappy Angela. Very unhappy Angela.

You speak in general, I'll speak in detail

2006-07-26T15:39:00.000-07:00

Despite being a lazy, tired ass, I managed to accomplish things today. Be proud of me. I went to best buy and paid off the laptop (yay for company refunds). Then I took that perfectly rounded ass to subway for a veggie delite. Delightful! Then it was on to the Bay to pay off that credit card, and an impulse buy of Jellie Bellies. I haven't had those in ages, and I know that the popcorn, coconut, that other crappy flavour that I can't remember won't get eaten.
So, I was supposed to go down to my brother's place and watch the fireworks from there tonight. BUT he gave his parking spot away to his girlfriend! WTF is that all about, where's the nepotism? Now, in order to go down there, I have to take my car to his girlfriend's place in burnaby, park there, take the skytrain and bus to his house, watch the fireworks and then wait for her to drive me back to my car after. Screw that. I know I love fireworks and everything, but that's just too much trouble. Maybe I'll just wait and go to the finale. They never choose the right one to win, anyway. I'd do a much better job as a judge. I'd be like 'Canada wins' and they'd be all 'Canada isn't even entered' and I'd say 'OVERRULED! Canada wins!'. Yeah, that's how it should be!
In other news, Lance Bass, former N'Sucker, came out of the closet. Come on, dude, that door was wiiiiiiiide open.
And now it's time to play some Worms Armageddon and watch the Beastie Boys sell their souls on MTV Canada. When did they get so old!

Censor

2006-07-26T10:11:00.000-07:00

Hmm... what have I been up to lately... I've been working.
Called in sick today even though I'm neither sick, nor hungover. Knocked back a few beers last night with ******** but it was just corona which doesn't get me very drunk, which is why it's the weeknight beer of choice. Now, I suppose most people are wondering why I didn't go in to work, if I wasn't hungover. The answer to that is simple. I stayed up too late and I just didn't feel like it.
Besides, my muscles are too sore and I'm too lazy.
Is it wrong that ******** and I knocked da boots? Hahahaha fuck no. Sure, I'm not entirely over Matt, but great sex rapidly reduces the grieving time. And I have to say, ******** performed better than I ever expected. For someone who seems to be as lazy as I am, the man can fuck, and fuck, and fuck. Great fun, we'll have to do it again sometime.
Now I have to think about what I want to do today. What springs to mind immediately is that I want to take off and drive to California and just lay on a beach somewhere for a week or so. Buuuuut, we all know that's not going to happen, so, Plan B. Which is to lay around and play my guitar and listen to music.
(sidenote-yes, I hate censorship, but out of respect for ********,and by request from, I'll learn to live with it)

The lazy, hazy days of summer

2006-07-23T10:23:00.000-07:00

Not too much going on. Went walking out at white rock beach friday night out of sheer boredom, with stephanie. We smoked a joint (which, I think I've been doing too much lately) and then both got the urge for soft serve ice cream. The only problem being that it's midnight and everything is closed. But, wait! There's always McDonalds! We drove to the one just up from the beach, waited in the drive-thru line for ten minutes in front of a van of drunks only to get to the voicebox and hear 'I'm sorry, our ice cream machines aren't working'... you've got to be fucking kidding me. Let me tell ya, you don't want to deny Stephanie anything when she has a craving for it. She went off on this poor kid like he was Hitler and she was a holocaust survivor. Meanwhile, I'm sinking into my seat pretending I don't know her or how I got in to her car.
So, we leave that McDonalds. Only to drive to another one. The one on King Geo
rge just near the highway entrance... who also have broken softserve machines. I thought Steph's head was going to explode. But this outburst was much less crazy and we only peeled over the drive-thru curb, almost bottoming out her car, to show how we had better things to do that wait to exit normally!
And then there was three. Driving up 152st, just passed Highway 10, there's another McDonalds! And we're going to it, in our quest for delicious softserve! We drive around to the window, no line ups at this one. We look at the guy in the window, pleadingly asking 'Tell me, good sir, that you have a bit of ice milk to spare?' 'In fact we do, Mistresses. What form dost thou wish it to be procured?" HALLELUJAH!
That was the best damn oreo McFlurry I've ever had.

Saturday was spent up at Cultus Lake all day. It was amazing, and yet not, because there were no hot guys to ogle in my spinsterhood. But still, the weather was beautiful and I didn't burn, and I only have one huge disgusting mosquito bite on the front of my ankle.

On an unrelated note, my boobs are getting bigger but the rest of me is shrinking. And it's not even because my period is coming (which doesn't happen for at least another week), because that's when they get firmer and bigger. Right now, they're still soft and jiggly, just bigger. No complaints, I just wish the rest of me would catch up to them.

Today, I have no plans. Someone come to the beach with me.